‫- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD...
‫- I'D RATHER DIE IN PRISON ‫THAN CALL JENNA.
‫- GONNA GIVE YOU ‫HIS BROTHER'S NUMBER.
‫HE'LL KNOW EXACTLY ‫HOW TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION.
‫- I WENT TO JENNA. ‫- AND?
‫- SHE SAID SHE COULDN'T HELP.
‫- ONE AMAZING NEW BOYFRIEND
‫MINUS ZERO LINGERING FEELINGS ‫FOR MATTY
‫EQUALS ME READY TO START ‫A NEW CHAPTER IN MY LIFE.
‫- WHAT ABOUT A CONJUGAL VISIT?
‫- A WISE MAN ONCE SAID, ‫"THE DEVIL'S IN THE DETAILS."
‫WELL, I'D SPENT ‫THE FIRST HALF OF SENIOR YEAR
‫PERFECTING MY DEETS.
‫I'D IMPROVED MY GPA, ‫BEEFED UP MY RESUME,
‫AND WRITTEN A DYNAMIC ‫PERSONAL STATEMENT
‫FOR MY COMMON COLLEGE APP, ‫WHICH WAS DUE BY MIDNIGHT.
‫I WAS RIDING HIGH ‫ON CONFIDENCE,
‫ABOUT TO SEND MY LIFE ‫IN A WHOLE NEW DIRECTION.
‫- HEY, I WAS THINKING ‫ABOUT YOUR ESSAY.
‫YOU SHOULD PICK A COOL FONT ‫OR A COLOR THAT POPS.
‫IT'LL REALLY MAKE ‫YOUR APPLICATION STAND OUT.
‫- HMM, THANKS, MOM.
‫THAT SOUNDS, UH, DESPERATE.
‫BUT DON'T WORRY.
‫I ALREADY ASKED LUKE ‫TO LOOK OVER MY ESSAY,
‫AND HE WENT THROUGH THIS ‫TWO YEARS AGO,
‫SO HE'LL DEFINITELY KNOW ‫IF IT'S GOOD ENOUGH OR NOT.
‫- SO YOU GONNA ACCEPT MY OFFER ‫OR KEEP PLAYING HARD TO GET?
‫- YOUR DAD ASKED ME ‫TO FRIEND HIM.
‫- SOCIAL NETWORKING, DAD?
‫SO IT'S NOT JUST ‫SOME STUPID FAD ANYMORE?
‫- I'M GOING ALL IN NOW.
‫I MEAN, HOW COOL IS IT THAT ‫WHEN YOU'RE AWAY AT COLLEGE,
‫I'LL STILL BE ABLE TO FOLLOW ‫EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING?
‫[cell phone chimes]
‫DON'T FORGET TO FRIEND ME.
‫- MY DAD JUST FRIENDED ME.
‫- THAT'S THE WORST.
‫MY MOM THINKS WRITING "CALL ME" ‫ON MY WALL IS TEXTING.
‫NOW, ABOUT YOUR ESSAY.
‫I READ IT ‫WITH A VERY CRITICAL EYE.
‫- OKAY, DON'T EDIT YOURSELF.
‫IF IT'S TERRIBLE, ‫I NEED TO KNOW.
‫ALTHOUGH IF IT IS TERRIBLE, ‫I ACTUALLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW,
‫BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN ‫INSTEAD OF COLLEGE,
‫I HAVE TO SPEND MY ENTIRE LIFE ‫IN THIS HOUSE WITH MY PARENTS.
‫SHOULD I CHANGE THE FONT?
‫- NICE NEUROTIC WRITER PREAMBLE, ‫BUT NOW IT'S MY TURN.
‫IT'S GOOD. ‫- REALLY?
‫- IT'S GREAT.
‫YOU'RE DEFINITELY COLLEGE ‫MATERIAL, JENNA HAMILTON.
‫NOW I HAVE TO GET TO CLASS.
‫WHO KNOWS?
‫THIS TIME NEXT YEAR,
‫WE MAY BE GOING TO CLASS ‫TOGETHER.
‫- I WAS ANOTHER STEP CLOSER
‫TO LEAVING ALL THOSE AWKWARD ‫HIGH SCHOOL MOMENTS BEHIND ME
‫AND BLAZING A NEW TRAIL
‫AS A SOPHISTICATED, ‫FABULOUS UNDERGRADUATE.
‫[computer blipping]
‫[gasps]
‫[cell phone chimes]
‫- "LITTLE POOPER"?
‫- DAD!
‫[keys clacking, loud thud]
‫- I BARELY GOT ‫20 MINUTES OF TMZ--
‫TAMARA'S MANDATORY Z-TIME--
‫BECAUSE I WAS UP ‫ALL NIGHT
‫TWEAKING ‫MY PERSONAL STATEMENT.
‫- I ONLY APPLIED ‫TO CHRIST-CENTERED SCHOOLS:
‫VANDERBILT, BAYLOR, ‫AND BRIGHAM YOUNG.
‫MORMONS AREN'T ‫REALLY CHRISTIANS,
‫BUT UTAH SEEMS NEAT.
‫AND SINCE THEY ALL WORSHIP ‫A FALSE PROPHET
‫AND ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL,
‫I FIGURED I COULD GET ‫MORE ME TIME WITH JESUS.
‫- REALLY ENJOYED THE TRIP ‫DOWN POTTY TRAINING LANE
‫THIS MORNING, HAMILTURD.
‫REMINDED ME TO BLOCK YOU, ‫YOU FILTHY SCAT QUEEN.
‫- I USED A SONG ‫FOR MY PERSONAL STATEMENT.
‫WHAT?
‫NO SARCASTIC REMARK OR A JOKE,
‫MAYBE AN EYE ROLL, TAMARA?
‫- I THINK IT'S AWESOME, JAKE.
‫PLUS, I HEAR THEY USE ‫HAPPY FACES FOR GRADES
‫AT HIPPIE-DIPPIE U.
‫- HMM.
‫SO WHAT ABOUT YOU TWO?
‫WHAT LUCKY SCHOOL ‫IS GONNA GET
‫THE DYNAMIC ‫TAMARA AND JENNA DUO?
‫- TAMARA AND I USED TO TALK ‫ABOUT COLLEGE ALL THE TIME.
‫BUT AFTER OUR COLLEGE VISIT,
‫IT WAS CLEAR WE WERE HEADED ‫IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.
‫NEITHER OF US WANTED TO SAY IT ‫OUT LOUD AND MAKE IT REAL.
‫WE'RE KEEPING OUR TOP PICKS ‫SECRET.
‫WE DON'T WANT TO JINX IT.
‫I HAVEN'T HIT "SEND" YET.
‫HOW ABOUT YOU, T?
‫- I WANTED TO LOOK THINGS OVER ‫ONE LAST TIME.
‫- WHY DON'T YOU ‫COME OVER TONIGHT?
‫WE CAN HIT "SEND" TOGETHER.
‫- BALLS, YES!
‫A BESTIE FESTIE ‫LIKE THE OLD DAYS.
‫- AWESOME.
‫WE'RE REGRESSING TO TWEENS ‫BEFORE WE GO TO COLLEGE.
‫I LOVE IT. ‫- HEY, MATTY!
‫- EVA'S SO PRETTY
‫AND WALKS LIKE SHE'S ‫ON A CLOUD.
‫- MORE LIKE SAILING ‫ON A [bleep] STORM.
‫- JENNA. ‫- HEY, YOU.
‫- UH, CAN I GET THAT FILE
‫WITH MY PERSONAL STATEMENT ‫YOU HELPED ME WITH?
‫- YOU HELPED MATTY WRITE ‫HIS PERSONAL STATEMENT?
‫THAT'S SO COOL OF YOU, JENNA.
‫- YEAH.
‫I'LL SEND IT TO YOU ‫WHEN I GET HOME.
‫- I REALLY NEED IT, ‫SO DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING, OKAY?
‫- HANGING?
‫EVER SINCE MATTY GOT ARRESTED,
‫HE HAD BEEN THROWING ATTITUDE ‫MY WAY.
‫BUT IT WASN'T MY JOB ‫TO BAIL HIM OUT,
‫NOT ANYMORE.
‫HE'D MADE THAT VERY CLEAR.
‫- HEY, JENNA, HOW ARE YOU?
‫- GOOD. ‫I'M GOOD.
‫- I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE ‫YOU'RE OKAY
‫NOW THAT MATTY AND I HAVE... ‫CONNECTED.
‫- WE BOTH KNEW SHE MEANT SEX.
‫STILL GOOD.
‫- IF US BEING TOGETHER ‫BOTHERS YOU,
‫I'D SHUT IT DOWN.
‫YOU MEAN THAT MUCH TO ME.
‫- EVA'S PROPOSITION ‫WAS LOSE-LOSE:
‫PUT ON A FAKE SMILE ‫WHILE MATTY AND EVA
‫PARADED AROUND THE SCHOOL ‫LIKE ROYALTY
‫OR BE THE JEALOUS EX ‫THAT MADE THEM BREAK UP.
‫IT'S FINE, EVA.
‫- HEY, WE SHOULD ALL HANG SOON.
‫- OH, IT'S TOO BAD.
‫TAMARA AND I ALREADY PLANNED ‫GIRLS' NIGHT.
‫- BUMMER, ‫I'D LOVE A GIRLS' NIGHT.
‫MATTY'S TAKING ME OUT ‫TO CELEBRATE
‫OUR COLLEGE APPS GOING IN.
‫HE'S SUCH A ROMANTIC.
‫BUT WHY AM I TELLING YOU THAT?
‫HE'S PROBABLY TAKEN YOU OUT ‫TO A MILLION ROMANTIC DINNERS.
‫- WELL, IF HE MENTIONS RESEDA, ‫DON'T OVERDRESS.
‫- I DON'T WANT TO OVERDRESS,
‫AND I THINK ‫THIS PANTSUIT SAYS,
‫"I'M CHIC, ‫I'M DOWN TO PARTY,
‫AND I'M EFFORTLESSLY SEXY."
‫- I THINK...
‫YOU HAVE GREAT LEGS,
‫AND HIDING THEM ‫WOULD BE A CRIME.
‫- YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SO RIGHT.
‫GOD, I THINK THE STRESS ‫OF GOING TO MY REUNION
‫IS CLOUDING MY JUDGMENT ‫A LITTLE.
‫- I GOT THIS.
‫- I PLANNED ‫THIS ENTIRE SHINDIG,
‫AND IT HAS TO BE PERFECT.
‫STEVIE SHAY'S GONNA BE THERE.
‫HE WAS THE HOTTEST TOTTIE ‫IN CLASS.
‫- OOH!
‫- ALL FOUR YEARS, HE DIDN'T EVEN ‫KNOW MY REAL NAME,
‫THANKS TO THAT RUMORMONGERING ‫BIATCH ERICA SCHNEBLY.
‫- WELL, TONIGHT ‫EVERYONE'S GONNA SEE YOU
‫IN A WHOLE NEW LIGHT.
‫- OH, AND I HIRED SADIE'S ‫FOOD TRUCK FOR CATERING.
‫FOOD TRUCKS ARE AU COURANT.
‫THAT MEANS "HIPSTER" ‫IN FRENCH.
‫- HMM. ‫MAKEUP, GOOD.
‫EARRINGS, PERFECT.
‫NECKLACE, TO DIE FOR.
‫YOU LOOK STUNNING.
‫- I LOVE IT!
‫JUST ONE QUESTION.
‫WHAT AM I WEARING?
‫- WELL DONE.
‫I SAY SEND.
‫- LET'S DO IT TOGETHER.
‫- THIS WAS IT.
‫ONCE I HIT "SEND," ‫THERE WAS NO TURNING BACK.
‫NEXT FALL, I'D BE STARTING ‫A WHOLE NEW LIFE.
‫BUT THERE WAS STILL CRAP ‫FROM MY OLD LIFE
‫I HAD TO DEAL WITH.
‫CRAP, I STILL HAVE TO SEND MATTY ‫HIS STUPID ESSAY.
‫- WHAT WAS THAT SCENE ‫ABOUT TODAY?
‫HE WAS THROWING ‫SOME SERIOUS BADITUDE YOUR WAY.
‫- I DON'T KNOW, ‫AND I DON'T CARE.
‫- BOVINE FECES.
‫THAT'S "[bleep]" IN S.A.T.
‫- OKAY, YES, ‫I CAN'T HELP CARING
‫IF HE'S BEING A DICK TO ME.
‫I'M TRYING NOT TO.
‫[computer whooshes]
‫THERE, SENT HIS STUPID ESSAY.
‫[soft pop music]
‫[tires squealing]
‫- DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE. ‫IT CAN WAIT.
‫- I JUST--I NEED TO SEE ‫IF JENNA SENT MY ESSAY.
‫- I COULD HELP YOU WRITE ‫A REALLY GOOD ESSAY, YOU KNOW.
‫- OH, YEAH?
‫MM, THAT SOUNDS LIKE ‫A NICE OFFER.
‫- HOW HARD COULD IT BE ‫WITH SUCH A GREAT SUBJECT?
‫- [laughs] ‫YOU'RE PRETTY GREAT YOURSELF.
‫BUT IT'S COOL. ‫JENNA ALREADY HOOKED ME UP.
‫WILL YOU SEE IF SHE SENT IT?
‫*
‫ANYTHING?
‫- UH...
‫*
‫I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.
‫SORRY.
‫I HOPE SHE'S NOT ‫BLOWING YOU OFF.
‫- ALL RIGHT, BEFORE WE PUNCH ‫OUR GOLDEN TICKET,
‫WE SHOULD DOCUMENT THE MOMENT.
‫[gasps] ‫ADORBS.
‫I'LL POST.
‫- OH, CRAP.
‫MY DAD POSTED MORE ‫OF HIS MEMORY LANE FREAK SHOW.
‫HE THINKS ADDING THE WORD ‫"PRIVATE" NEXT TO MY NAME
‫MEANS NO ONE ELSE CAN SEE IT.
‫- [gasps]
‫JENNA, THE OTHER PICS ‫YOU'RE TAGGED IN
‫AND THE PICS YOU'VE POSTED--
‫"RED CUPS AND RED EYES,"
‫"SEXY JENNA DUCK FACE POUT"?
‫COLLEGE ADMISSIONS OFFICERS ‫ARE SUPER SNOOPERS.
‫THEY WANT A PERSON ‫OF SUBSTANCE,
‫NOT SUBSTANCE ABUSE!
‫BEFORE YOU HIT "SEND," ‫WE HAVE TO GIVE A PEDI
‫TO YOUR SLIGHTLY SKANK ‫DIGITAL FOOTPRINT.
‫- CAN WE REALLY ‫DO ALL THAT NOW?
‫- HAVE YOU MET THE EXPERT?
‫THE UPSIDE ‫TO MY CATFISHING TRIP
‫WAS THE HONING OF MY ‫PERCEPTION DECEPTION SKILLS.
‫ANY COLLEGE ‫THAT GOOGLES TAMARA KAPLAN
‫WILL BE WOWED BY ‫MY SQUEAKY-CLEAN ONLINE PERSONA.
‫LET'S SEE ‫WHAT WE'RE WORKING WITH.
‫- THE MOST DISTURBING SHOTS
‫WEREN'T THE ONES ‫I WAS CAUGHT DOING POOLSIDE.
‫THEY WERE THE ONES ‫WITH MATTY BY MY SIDE.
‫MY COMPLICATED PAST WAS STILL ‫ATTACHED TO MY PRESENT
‫AND IN NEED ‫OF SOME SERIOUS SCRUBBING.
‫- THIS IS GOING TO BE ‫A HELLISH ORDEAL,
‫SO I NEED BOTH OF YOU ‫TO STAY OUT OF MY WAY
‫AND OBEY EVERY ORDER I GIVE YOU ‫TO THE LETTER!
‫- WOW, YOU'RE REALLY FEELING
‫THIS WHOLE GERMAN THING, ‫AREN'T YOU?
‫- YOU ARE HALF AN HOUR LATE.
‫NOW, FIRE UP THAT GRILL STAT!
‫- I TOLD YOU, I HAVE ‫FRIDAY CLASS AND MIGHT BE LATE.
‫YOU SHOULD LISTEN ‫WHEN I TELL YOU STUFF, SADITA.
‫- DO NOT CALL ME THAT,
‫AND KEEP YOUR CHOLO HANDS ‫OFF ME,
‫COMPRENDE, SERGIO?
‫- ARE WE SERVING CHOLOS ‫TONIGHT?
‫- THAT'S ACTIONABLE ‫SEXUAL HARASSMENT, YOU PIG.
‫- STICKING THAT BIG OLE ‫SEXY-ASS BOOTY IN MY FACE
‫IS WHAT CONSTITUTES ‫SEXUAL HARASSMENT.
‫AND, BLANQUITA, IF I WAS ‫SEXUALLY HARASSING YOU,
‫TRUST ME, YOU'D KNOW.
‫- UH, WHY DO I HAVE TO WEAR ‫THE LEDERHOSEN AND HE DOESN'T?
‫- BECAUSE SERGIO WOULD ‫LOOK STUPID IN LEDERHOSEN.
‫- AND I DON'T?
‫- NO, YOU DO.
‫NOW, EVERYONE, ‫GET BACK TO [bleep] WORK!
‫- * LET ME HEAR YOU SAY
‫*
‫* LET ME HEAR YOU SAY
‫*
‫- VAL, GET IN HERE.
‫YOU CAN DO THIS. ‫COME ON.
‫- I FEEL NAKED ‫WITHOUT MY FANNY PACK.
‫WAIT. AM I NAKED? ‫PEOPLE ARE STARING.
‫- NOPE. ‫THEY ARE CHECKING YOU OUT.
‫- HEY.
‫THIS IS WEIRD.
‫I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU TWO,
‫AND I DO NOT FORGET ‫BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.
‫[all laugh]
‫- WELL, I ACTUALLY ‫DIDN'T GO HERE.
‫I'M WITH MY FRIEND VAL, ‫WHO DID.
‫- CLEARLY I SMOKED ‫TOO MUCH DOPE IN HIGH SCHOOL.
‫- [laughing] ‫STOP.
‫WHO DIDN'T?
‫I DO REMEMBER YOU, THOUGH.
‫YOU'RE STEVIE SHAY.
‫- YOU KNOW, MY GIRL HERE ‫PLANNED THE WHOLE REUNION.
‫- COOL. ‫- NO, NO, IT WAS NO TROUBLE.
‫I JUST BOOKED THE ROOM ‫NINE MONTHS AGO.
‫THEN I CONFIRMED IT ‫SIX MONTHS AGO.
‫AND THEN I PICKED OUT ‫THE GOLD TABLECLOTHS
‫THREE MONTHS AGO--
‫- DEMPSTER! ‫YOU SICK BASTARD.
‫OOH! ‫- VAL-GINA?
‫OH, IT IS YOU!
‫WOW, YOU LOOK REALLY GOOD.
‫GOOD FOR YOU.
‫ADMIT IT, THOUGH.
‫YOU'VE HAD WORK DONE.
‫- BUNION SURGERY.
‫THANKS FOR NOTICING.
‫- [laughing] ‫OH, GOD.
‫YOU'RE STILL THAT SAME OLD ‫KOOKY VAL-GINA.
‫[laughs]
‫- VAL-GINA?
‫- ERICA STARTED A RUMOR ‫THAT I WAS A HERMAPHRODITE.
‫I NEED A HUG.
‫- NO, YOU DON'T.
‫YOU NEED LIP GLOSS.
‫- LOOK SMART, LIKE YOU'RE ‫REALLY INTERESTED IN IT.
‫YOU'RE STUDYING. ‫YOU'RE SOLVING.
‫DIFFICULT.
‫ACT LIKE YOU SOLVED IT.
‫- I'M TRYING.
‫- STOP!
‫- WELL, IT'S SOLVED. ‫- JENNA!
‫- IT'S SOLVED.
‫- I'M NOT GONNA REMEMBER ‫WHAT I WROTE.
‫THAT ONE'S REALLY GOOD.
‫- MM, I LIKE IT.
‫[doorbell rings]
‫- SURPRISE!
‫LET'S GO OUT AND CELEBRATE ‫YOUR APPS GOING IN.
‫FRIDAY NIGHT IS ‫JAZZ UNDER THE STARS AT LACMA.
‫- YOU ARE PERFECTION.
‫OH, CHECK OUT WHAT TAMARA DID ‫FOR MY ONLINE PROFILE.
‫SHE IS TOTALLY SAVING MY ASS.
‫- HEY, TAMARA.
‫I HEAR YOU'RE SAVING ‫A VERY NICE ASS.
‫- WE WERE JUST FINISHING UP.
‫I'LL GO GET MY STUFF.
‫- T!
‫T, WAIT.
‫WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
‫- I CAN DO THE MATH.
‫T MINUS BF EQUALS THIRD WHEEL.
‫AND THAT'S SAGIC--
‫SADLY TRAGIC.
‫- LOOKS GREAT.
‫LOTS TO CELEBRATE.
‫- LISTEN,
‫I REALLY DON'T WANT ‫TO BAIL ON T.
‫WE SORT OF HAD ‫A GIRLS' NIGHT PLANNED.
‫- THEN HOW ABOUT ‫WE BAG THE CONCERT
‫AND I TAKE YOU BOTH ‫FOR A QUICK FRO-YO?
‫- MM.
‫HEY, PUT THAT BAG DOWN.
‫LUKE IS TAKING US OUT ‫FOR FRO-YO
‫AND THEN DITCHING.
‫BESTIE FESTIE IS BACK ON.
‫- TRUTH IS, I DON'T LIKE JAZZ ‫NEARLY AS MUCH
‫AS I LIKE BEING A GUY ‫WHO SAYS HE LIKES JAZZ.
‫- THEN LET'S PUT THE CHERRY ‫ON TOP OF YOUR NEW BRAND:
‫THE BF/GF PHOTO.
‫CUDDLE UP.
‫- I HOPE THIS PLACE IS OKAY.
‫I MET THE CHEF LAST YEAR ‫IN VEGAS ON NEW YEAR'S EVE,
‫AND HE'S BEEN HOUNDING ME ‫TO COME BY.
‫- YEAH, LOOKS GREAT.
‫I CAN'T BELIEVE JENNA ‫STILL HASN'T SENT THAT EMAIL.
‫- I KNOW. ‫WHAT IS UP WITH HER?
‫BUT FORGET ABOUT THAT NOW.
‫WE ARE CELEBRATING.
‫OKAY, BIG SMILE.
‫- HOW ABOUT SOME STRUDEL ‫WHILE WE WAIT?
‫- YES, SIR.
‫JUST A FEW MORE MINUTES.
‫HOW MUCH LONGER?
‫- SADITA'S SO USED ‫TO HANGING OUT THE WINDOW
‫SWEET-TALKING ALL THE CUSTOMERS,
‫SHE ISN'T ANY GOOD ‫AT FIRING UP A SAUSAGE.
‫- SERGIO, I WILL GRIND ‫YOUR SAUSAGE AND FEED IT TO--
‫- HEY, WHOA, WHOA! ‫JUST A SECOND.
‫- JESUS, HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE ‫TO MAKE A FRICKIN' HOT DOG?
‫- DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS ‫WHEN YOU EAT UNDERCOOKED PORK?
‫BON APPETIT, BUTTHOLE.
‫- WHAT'S WRONG, MATTY?
‫- HARD TO CELEBRATE ‫OUR APPS GOING IN
‫WHEN MINE AREN'T IN.
‫I CAN'T BELIEVE JENNA ‫WOULD SCREW ME OVER LIKE THIS.
‫- IT'S ALMOST LIKE SHE'S TRYING ‫TO SABOTAGE YOU OR SOMETHING.
‫BUT WHY?
‫I MEAN, SHE'S SO NICE.
‫I CAN'T EVER BELIEVE SHE WOULD ‫TRY TO HURT YOU ON PURPOSE.
‫WOULD SHE?
‫- SHE HAS BEFORE.
‫- WELL, WHATEVER WITH HER.
‫LOOK! ‫WE ALREADY GOT 20 LIKES.
‫OH, GUESS WE KNOW WHAT JENNA'S ‫SO BUSY WITH RIGHT NOW.
‫- WHAT THE HELL?
‫JENNA CAN'T BE BOTHERED ‫TO SEND ME MY ESSAY,
‫BUT SHE HAS TIME FOR YOGURT.
‫- GOD, I'M SO SORRY.
‫- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE, EVA.
‫I'M SUDDENLY IN THE MOOD ‫FOR DESSERT.
‫- DON'T LET ONE PERSON ‫RUIN YOUR NIGHT.
‫THERE'S STEVIE OVER THERE.
‫GO ASK HIM WHAT HE DOES.
‫GUYS LOVE TO TALK ‫ABOUT THEMSELVES.
‫HEY, SURPRISE YOURSELF.
‫YEAH. YOU GOT IT. ‫GO.
‫- SO, STEVIE,
‫WHAT'S YOUR OCCUP--
‫WHAT DO--WHAT DO YOU-- ‫WHAT DO YOU DO?
‫- OH, HEY.
‫HIGH SCHOOL GYM TEACHER.
‫GETTING PAID TO BE A JOCK.
‫- THAT IS SO COOL.
‫I'M A HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR.
‫GETTING PAID TO BE A COUNSELOR.
‫THESE ARE ACTUALLY ‫SOME OF MY PEEPS.
‫YO, SADIE, SMELLS GOOD!
‫- [bleep] OFF!
‫- YOU GOT IT!
‫JUST LOVE KIDS.
‫YOU KNOW, MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ‫I'M BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL.
‫- I THOUGHT HIGH SCHOOL ‫KIND OF SUCKED FOR YOU.
‫- YEAH.
‫YEAH, IT DID, ‫MAYBE A SKOSH,
‫BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, ‫NOW I LOVE IT.
‫- THAT'S AWESOME.
‫HEY, I WAS AFRAID THIS PARTY ‫WOULD BE KIND OF LAME,
‫SO I GOT A ROOM.
‫- YES.
‫- YOU WANT TO SEE IT? ‫- YES. YES, I DO.
‫OKAY.
‫- SO JUST TO BE CLEAR,
‫THIS IS NOT A GOOD PICTURE ‫FOR MY PROFILE.
‫- DEFINITELY NOT.
‫- BUT COULD BE LISTED ‫UNDER SPECIAL TALENTS.
‫- SO IS THERE A REASON WHY ‫YOU HAVEN'T SENT ME MY ESSAY?
‫- HI TO YOU TOO.
‫I SENT IT HOURS AGO.
‫- REALLY?
‫I'D LIKE TO GO TO COLLEGE, ‫JENNA.
‫I WANT MY ESSAY NOW.
‫- WELL, I'M SORRY, MATTY,
‫BUT I AM WITH MY BOYFRIEND
‫AND MY BEST FRIEND.
‫I WILL SEND IT TO YOU AGAIN ‫WHEN I GET HOME.
‫- WHAT AM I SUPPOSED ‫TO DO TILL THEN?
‫- NOT MY PROBLEM. ‫- IT'S OKAY, MATTY.
‫WE CAN JUST HANG SOME MORE. ‫I DON'T MIND.
‫- DO YOU HAVE ANY CLUE HOW ‫SELFISH YOU'RE BEING RIGHT NOW?
‫- OKAY, MAN, THAT'S ENOUGH. ‫SHE'LL SEND IT TO YOU LATER.
‫- THIS IS AWK-WEIRD. ‫JENNA, WE CAN JUST GO.
‫- YOU KNOW WHAT?
‫NO, WE'RE STAYING,
‫'CAUSE WE ARE HAVING ‫A GREAT TIME.
‫MATTY, YOU WANT YOUR ESSAY ‫SO BAD?
‫WHY DON'T YOU GO ‫AND GET IT YOURSELF?
‫YOU KNOW WHERE THE KEY IS.
‫- FINE. I WILL.
‫THANK YOU FOR YOUR HELP, JENNA,
‫ALL OF IT.
‫- YOU'RE SO WELCOME, MATTY.
‫- THIS HAS ONIONS.
‫I ORDERED SAUERKRAUT.
‫- WHAT, ARE YOU WORRIED ‫ABOUT YOUR BREATH?
‫BECAUSE IN THAT UGLY SWEATER ‫AND THOSE BOGO FRUMP PUMPS,
‫THE CHANCES OF YOU ‫GETTING ANY TONIGHT
‫ARE AS DEAD AS THE SOW ‫THAT BRATWURST CAME FROM.
‫- SADIE!
‫STOP BEING SUCH ‫A MEAN, NASTY BITCH!
‫[cheers and applause]
‫PLEASE ACCEPT THIS ‫ON THE HOUSE.
‫- THANK YOU.
‫- NICE.
‫- THANKS.
‫STAY IN THE BACK,
‫AND KEEP THOSE BRATS ‫COMING DOUBLE TIME, SADIE,
‫OR JAKE AND I ARE LEAVING.
‫- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
‫- I JUST GOT BACK ‫FROM BONE TOWN.
‫- YOU DIDN'T!
‫- NO, I DIDN'T.
‫I DON'T THINK I DID.
‫WAIT. IF HE...
‫- THAT DOESN'T COUNT.
‫- OKAY, WHAT IF I...
‫- NOT EVEN A BASE.
‫- OH, THANK GOD!
‫HE WAS SO BORING.
‫NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE STEVIE ‫I FANTASIZED ABOUT.
‫HE DIDN'T ASK ME ‫ONE QUESTION ABOUT MYSELF.
‫IF THAT'S THE KIND OF MAN ‫THAT SUPERMODEL VAL ATTRACTS,
‫I'M GOING BACK ‫TO THE REAL VAL.
‫- FOR THE RECORD, ‫I KIND OF LOVE THE REAL VAL.
‫- CAN I TELL YOU SOMETHING?
‫- MM.
‫- IT WAS TINY.
‫HIS P MIGHT AS WELL ‫HAVE BEEN A V.
‫- YOU HAD SEX WITH MY HUSBAND?
‫STEVIE!
‫- ONE MORE REASON NOT TO HAVE ‫DONE THE DIRTY WITH DINKY.
‫SHOULD WE GET OUT OF HERE?
‫I DON'T WANT ‫TO MAKE A SCENE.
‫- AH, THEY'RE NOT COMING BACK.
‫AND, HONEY, WE ARE THE SCENE.
‫- HOW NICE THAT YOU CAN GET ‫INTO JENNA'S BEDROOM
‫ANYTIME YOU WANT.
‫- GOT IT.
‫LET'S GO.
‫- NOT SO FAST.
‫YOU PROMISED ME DESSERT.
‫- OH.
‫OH, EVA, STOP.
‫NOT HERE.
‫THIS IS-- ‫THIS IS WEIRD.
‫- I'M SORRY.
‫I'M SUCH AN IDIOT.
‫I JUST--
‫I CAN'T STOP FEELING LIKE ‫I'M COMPETING WITH HER.
‫- YOU ARE SO NOT.
‫- BUT YOU KNOW ‫WHERE SHE HIDES HER KEY,
‫AND YOU HAVE, LIKE, ‫ALL OF HER TEXTS IN YOUR PHONE--
‫- YOU SAW ALL OF OUR TEXTS?
‫- I'M SORRY. ‫I JUST--
‫I COULDN'T HELP ‫BUT NOTICE.
‫AND THEY GO BACK A LONG TIME.
‫- WELL, THEY GO BACK ‫TO THE PAST.
‫AND THE PAST, WELL...
‫IT'S NOW OFFICIALLY THE PAST.
‫- YOU ERASED ALL OF THEM?
‫FOR ME?
‫- JENNA--
‫JENNA'S DELETED.
‫- OH, SHOOT.
‫I LEFT MY PHONE.
‫I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
‫[Gold & Youth's Time to Kill]
‫*
‫- * POISONED, HOLLOW TOWNIES
‫- GOT IT.
‫- * WALLOW ON THE CORNER
‫* TAKE THE POWER LINES ‫BACK HOME *
‫- YOU KNOW, IT WAS REALLY COOL ‫WHAT YOU DID BACK THERE.
‫I'M SO USED TO SADIE ‫BOSSING YOU AROUND.
‫- I LOVE ORDERING SADIE AROUND.
‫[both laugh]
‫YOU'VE CHANGED TOO, JAKE.
‫TAMARA USED TO YANK YOU AROUND,
‫BUT NOW YOU'RE JUST...
‫MORE YOU.
‫- CHANGE IS A GOOD THING.
‫THERE MIGHT BE MORE TO COME.
‫- WE DID IT WITHOUT SPEAKING,
‫EACH KNOWING THAT ‫THE SIMPLE ACT OF HITTING "SEND"
‫WOULD PROBABLY BE THE END ‫OF JENARA COLLEGE ROOMIES--
‫NO FRESHMAN DORM BESTIE FESTIES,
‫SORORITY KIDNAPS, ‫FOOTBALL TAILGATES,
‫OR COLLEGE GRADUATION PARTIES ‫FOUR YEARS FROM NOW.
‫WE WERE BOTH HAPPY AND SAD
‫AND DID WHAT WE ALWAYS DID ‫IN THAT SITUATION--
‫PUT ON A SAD MOVIE.
‫UGH, I FEEL LIKE A SHOWER
‫JUST KNOWING MATTY AND EVA ‫WERE IN HERE.
‫- IT WAS REALLY COOL OF LUKE ‫TO INCLUDE ME TONIGHT.
‫- THAT'S THE WAY ‫IT'LL ALWAYS BE.
‫NO MATTER WHERE WE GO ‫OR WHO WE DATE,
‫WE WILL ALWAYS MAKE TIME ‫FOR EACH OTHER.
‫- [sighs]
‫- DON'T CRY. ‫IF YOU CRY, I'LL CRY.
‫- SORRY, I ALWAYS CRY
‫AT THE OPENING CREDITS ‫OF THE NOTEBOOK.
‫EW!
‫SKANKY JANK!
‫I'VE SEEN ENOUGH ‫OF YOUR DIRTY LAUNDRY.
‫I DON'T NEED TO SLEEP WITH IT.
‫- NOT MINE.
‫EVA'S?
‫- O-M-DOUBLE-EFFING-G,
‫SHE DID NOT-- ‫HE DID NOT--
‫OR DID THEY,
‫IN YOUR BED?
‫- JENNA HAMILTON ‫PERSONAL STATEMENT:
‫WHEN I STARTED HIGH SCHOOL, ‫I WAS INVISIBLE.
‫IT WAS EASIER THAT WAY, ‫NOT TO BE NOTICED.
‫WHEN I WAS NOTICED,
‫IT WASN'T FOR THE THINGS ‫I WANTED TO BE NOTICED FOR.
‫FELT LIKE MY DESTINY ‫WASN'T MY OWN.
‫BUT THAT GIRL'S ‫ABOUT TO GRADUATE.
‫SHE'S FOUND HER VOICE ‫AND IS READY TO USE IT.
‫- HEY, GIRLFRIEND.
‫- HEY, YOU LEFT SOMETHING ‫IN MY BED LAST NIGHT,
‫GIRLFRIEND.
‫- HOW EMBARRASSING.
‫I'M SO SORRY.
‫- NO BIGGIE.
‫- JENNA, I REALLY AM SORRY.
‫I NEVER MEANT FOR THINGS ‫TO GO THAT FAR.
‫IT'S JUST, MATTY,
‫YOU KNOW HOW HE IS ‫WHEN HE'S, YOU KNOW...
‫- HERE'S THE DEAL, EVA.
‫THINGS AREN'T GREAT ‫BETWEEN MATTY AND I RIGHT NOW.
‫BUT I KNOW MATTY MCKIBBEN,
‫AND HE WOULD NEVER ‫[bleep] YOU IN MY BED.
‫SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND ‫OF GAME THIS IS YOU'RE PLAYING,
‫BUT COUNT ME OUT.
‫BUT, HEY, NICE TRY.
‫- I GOT NOTHING, HAMILTON.
‫- NEXT, ON AWKWARD...
‫THE SENIOR SKI TRIP ‫WAS LEGENDARY.
‫- HEY. ‫- OH, MY GOD--
‫[yelps, gasps]
‫- JENNA, DO YOU ‫HAVE A PROBLEM WITH EVA?
‫- I DIDN'T DRIVE TWO HOURS
‫TO WATCH SOME PSYCHODRAMA ‫WITH YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND.
‫- I'M A FRIEND ‫OF EMMA MANSFIELD.
‫- I'M EMMA MANSFIELD.